1. It’s an incentive for staff to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care when you are pissed.

7. It eliminates leave time because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are drunk.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at a bar after work

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk only on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up if they can stay drunk

The teacher then says ‘Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?’
Freddie replies ‘playing with Becky in the sand box’
‘Very good’ says the teacher.. ‘If you can spell “box” on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit’
Freddie duly goes and writes ‘b o x’ on the blackboard.
‘Very good’ says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says ‘Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?’
‘No’ replies Mohammed, ‘I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives’

‘Oh dear’ says the teacher. ‘That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I tell you what, if you can spell “blatant racial discrimination” I will give you a biscuit too.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave
right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
they went home early??

The “brunette” was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The “redhead” was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The “blonde” was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her lady boss!!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them”.

“No way”, the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole. It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Smith

It’s after midnight.

While on route home he asks the caddy if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the caddy agrees..

Quietly arriving home, the husband and caddy tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and here is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season football tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly rent!’

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the caddy and says, ‘What would you do?’

The caddy replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold..”

He says: “Look mamma, I am a white boy!”

His mother slaps him hard on the face and says: “Sipho, go show your dad what you’ve done!!”

So he does, and his dad slaps him too.

His granny happens to be right next to his dad and she slaps him vehemently in disgust.

Then Sipho’s mom says: “Did you learn something from all this?

The poor little Sipho shakes his head, crying and says:

“I did. I’ve only been a white boy for 5 minutes and I’m already scared of you blacks!”

Joe walks into a bar in Pretoria, orders three pints of Black Label and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” Joe replies, “Well, you see, I have two friends. One is in Polokwane, the other in Lebowakgomo, and I’m here in Pretoria. When I left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

Joe becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

Joe looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawn in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone is fine. It’s me…”

“…I’ve quit drinking!”

• If  you cross the Chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again.

• If  you cross the Cuban border illegally you will be thrown into political  prison to rot.

• If you  cross the South African border illegally you get a  job, a drivers  license, pension  card, welfare, credit cards, subsidized rent or a loan  to buy a house, free  education and  free  health care. Perks include weapons of your  choice.   And  in south  africa you can murder,use drugs,drink and drive,steal,rape but please south africans  don’t  smoke in public it is illegal.

As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you
doing?’

The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.’

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: ‘What the f… are you doing?’

The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my
son-in-law.’

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,….’Ma’am,

I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,….. let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied.   ‘Get your own f****** blanket.’

After a moment of silence, … he farted.

The  End

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room , ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?’ he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’

‘Yes, I remember!’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’

‘I remember that too’ she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says …

‘I would have been released today.’

Listen, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,’ Klaas replies.

There’s a new diagnostic computer at Pick ‘n Pay’s Pharmacy.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s
wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs only fifty
rand…..a lot quicker and better than a doctor – and you get Club card
points.’

So Piet collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Pick ‘n
Pay. He deposits fifty rand; the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Piet
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife, his daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture
for good measure.

Piet hurries back to Pick ‘n Pay, eager to check what would happen. He
deposits his fifty rand, pours in his concoction, and awaits for the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (aisle 7).

2) Your cat’s having kittens. Get a vet.

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (aisle 3).

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will
never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Pick ‘n Pay. Remember, we’re on your side!