Here you will find all the Chuck Norris jokes. Read all the funny Chuck Norris jokes. We have over 500 Chuck Norris jokes posted at Make me Laugh. Share and enjoy…

•    Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
•    Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
•    ”One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Chuck Norris! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘ChuckNorris’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!’”
•    People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
•    Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
•    When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
•    Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

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Wife:       ‘What are you doing?’
Husband :   ‘Nothing.’
Wife :      ‘Nothing…?  You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband :   ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’

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Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband : ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife : ‘Yes or no.’

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Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.  Why?’
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

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Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden..’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

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Son: ‘ Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

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A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’

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Girl to her boyfriend: ‘One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.’
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the warning.’

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A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour.’

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Really funny one liners.

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said
‘Thyroid problem?’

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go
swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get
on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’,
and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said ‘Aren’t you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

11) If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don’t understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

16) Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I’ve forgotten this before

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